But not discussing what men feel about marriage and divorce is like not
discussing what's involved in the erection (sorry) of a stable building.
And a man's need for sex is what is often misunderstood. So, on the important
subject of the horizontal relationship in marriage, here's what I've learned.
The penis rules. Or should, anyway. ¡§If men don't feel respected or loved, if
they don't feel like a man, if they have to walk around on eggshells when it
comes to their sex drive, if their horniness is treated like an inconsiderate
act of selfishness ¡V like typical male behaviour ¡V then they will reassert
themselves with another woman,¡¨ says a man I will call Mr. Multiply Divorced.
People who make coitus their career understand this. Ask Lou Paget, sex
therapist and best-selling author of books about orgasms and helpful tips on
giving blow jobs, among other bedroom matters. "There's no other time in a
man's life when he is more connected to his masculine self than when he is
making love or having sex with the woman or partner of his choice," she
explains.
"And men know this. It's a huge part of the male psyche that he be acknowledged
for what his efforts are, and he will go elsewhere to get it if his partner
doesn't give it to him. He will get it through sports. He will get it through
work by the accumulation of money. I can't tell you how many men I know who are
massively successful but who have crappy marriages. Or they will get it from
another woman."
It's children that change the sexual energy of a marriage. I remember an
acquaintance of mine complaining about her husband's expectation of sex. She
had two young sons at the time, and she was a wonderful hands-on and attentive
mother. There were lunches to be made, laundry to finish, dinner to make,
homework to help with, errands to run, and just before she passed out from
exhaustion, a husband to do. And she did, because if nothing else, she is
highly responsible. (And still married, by the way.) The whole yummy-mummy
trend is really a statement of denial, if you ask me. Most young mothers will
tell you that after having their bodies taken over by pregnancy, and then the
demands of breastfeeding and constant monitoring of a baby, what they would
really like at night is to be left alone for a bit, untouched. They've
overdosed on closeness for the time being.
But husbands still want their wives to view them as the primary relationship.
Another man I know - okay, we can call him Mr. Former Boyfriend - told me that
in his marriage of 20 years and three children, his ex-wife, who gave up work
to devote herself to the care of their offspring, denied him sex so often he
had to beg for it. And when she relented, he felt it was out of pity or
obligation.
Such a dynamic is common and emasculating, notes Esther Perel, a New York-based
couples therapist and the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity:
Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic, published last year.
"It's not healthy for men to feel pathetic about their urges and shame about
their desire. It's not just their masculinity they are expressing through sex
but also their lesser masculine qualities, their tenderness, their
vulnerability, their desire to give pleasure and receive it," she explains.
"This expression through the body is often the primary language that men use to
say these things. It's easy for the women to just brush it off, and say, 'All
he wants is sex.' What they should be asking is, 'Why am I never interested?
What happened to my own desires?'" Ms. Perel's prescription for good marital
sex is what she calls "more air." Too much intimacy, having to know everything
your partner did and share every activity he or she enjoys, kills lust, she
believes. "The paradox is that the pursuit of passion involves excitement,
mystery, unpredictability. But the pursuit of intimacy involves wanting to be
known completely and expecting predictability. And yet we want both."
The trick, she says, is allowing "a modicum of freedom in a relationship. Don't
ask the other person to give up freedom so you can feel more secure."
Many men, not being the greatest communicators, resort to anger when they're
not getting the intimacy they crave. They will say lack of sex makes them feel
"they were sold a bill of goods," as one guy explains, since "women are much
more sexually aggressive and suggestive during the courting stage, and
inexperienced men can be fooled by that.
"I've come to believe firmly that people need to be honest with themselves [and
their partners] about their libidos," he continues. "If they have big ones,
they should seek out partners with a matching appetite." (Yes, that's Mr.
Multiply Divorced talking.) He has a point, but married life can be stressful,
what with mortgages, kids and work-life juggling; and stress, for women, is a
sex-killer. For men, on the other hand, a romp in bed is stress therapy. "For
us, it can be like golf or watching television," admits a source from the world
of men.
Of course, for women, talking is like golf. (Confused yet?) "Women want to
emotionally share and talk about their day," the man continues.
Still married to his wife of 21 years, with whom he has two children, he should
be called Mr. Highly Evolved. But he didn't get there on his own. All that
wisdom about how women and men think differently comes from years of couples
therapy.
"For men, it's like Chinese water torture to be talking about something
endlessly," he says. "Guys think, 'Just fix it.' So when the wife says she
wants to be asked how she is, the man goes, 'What? We've got to have an hour
and a half discussion about emotional connection before you feel like having
sex? What happened to sex on the kitchen floor?'" Mr. Highly Evolved was
preparing for divorce, he confesses. "Part of the equation for me to stay in my
marriage was that I care about my boys, and ultimately, I realized that if I
want to live in a relationship, whether it's with my wife or someone else, I
have to do this work. And as long as my wife is interested in doing it, too,
which she was, then it's worth it."
On a final note, let's return to Ms. Paget, who, 51 and once married and
divorced, now enjoys a live-out boyfriend and a live-in 20-pound cat called Mr.
Freddie. I could hear him meowing for her attention in the background of her
Los Angeles home.
"Men marry for two reasons," she states. "They're proud to be with that woman
socially. Look," she adds in best-girlfriend whisper, "we both know women who
have sex with men who aren't seen with them publicly. The second reason men
marry is sexual compatibility."
Which brings me to a final bit of good advice. Be a lady in public and a whore
in the bedroom. And help him understand that before talking dirty, the whore
sometimes needs to have a cuddly chat about her day.
